台灣詩學‧吹鼓吹詩論壇

<搬家> 陈伟哲作 / 陈伟哲翻译
“Moving” (Written / Translated by TAN WEI JER)

我移入一箱曙光簇拥的
小小空间
椅子哀悼干瘪的身影
枯在空墙，怀着新漆
以及老鼠

我从时光撕下的破布拭过痕迹
一切依旧很早，如一朵
早晨盛开的花
家私互相歌颂

风景挂起他的孤独
静如空气，壁纸般扩散
为每阵呼吸喘着色彩
当它还是惨白的时候我就嘀咕
犹新。
斜入时钟

搔醒我的步伐
系数经过的楼梯与后向
当所有的床虱入睡
我知道已经抵达那所谓的空间

I am moving into a space
enclosed by lights
the chair weeps for dry shadows
wilt at the wall, pregnant with fresh paints
And mice

I clean the stain with a rag stripped down from hours
Everything is still early, like a flower
blooms in a morning
All the furniture sings

A view is putting up its solitude
still as air, spread like wallpaper
gasping for colours in each breath
I murmured while it is still pale
Untouched.
Slanting into the clock

Tickles my footsteps
counting down the stairs and alleys
When all the bed bugs asleep
I knew I have reach the space

覺得時態有些問題。是否？

伟哲詩友你好，動詞是這篇作品的主要問題。

I am moving into a space
enclosed by lights
the chair weeps for dry shadows
wilt at the wall, pregnant with fresh paints
And mice

Wilt在這邊如果是指椅子，就應該是wilts
如果是指影子，就應該是are wilting
如果斷行，就應該用大寫Wilt

至於介係詞的部分，我認為on會比較合適

I clean the stain with a rag stripped down from hours
Everything is still early, like a flower
blooms in a morning
All the furniture sings

Furniture是個Mass Noun所以應該是sing

A view is putting up its solitude
still as air, spread like wallpaper
gasping for colours in each breath
I murmured while it is still pale
Untouched.
Slanting into the clock

第一句這邊的現在進行式有些不太適合，我認為用puts即可
spread一字，考量後面對仗上有gasping，應該用spreading
或兩者都用現在式spreads 與 gasps

Murmured 與 is兩者的時空矛盾
應該為Murmured 與 was
或 murmur 與 is

Tickles my footsteps
counting down the stairs and alleys
When all the bed bugs asleep
I knew I have reach the space

Asleep是個形容詞或副詞，前者該為are asleep，後者該為fell asleep
Reach的部分，就差了個-ed了

原作的部分：

系數經過的樓梯與後向

應該是錯別字吧。


翻譯的部分：

I clean the stain with a rag stripped down from hours
Everything is still early, like a flower
blooms in a morning
All the furniture sings

Clean一字與原作有些差別
而末句我覺得可以更好
例如：All the furniture shared their praises in songs

搔醒我的步伐
系數經過的樓梯與後向
當所有的床虱入睡
我知道已經抵達那所謂的空間

原作中的「所謂」沒有翻出來
可以再考慮考慮

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