台灣詩學‧吹鼓吹詩論壇

〈新球〉蘇善作／蘇善翻譯
“New Globe” (Written/Translated by Suzanne Tsai)

於是咱們丟掉舊的
抓住那顆新球
咱們砍掉真的種假的
咱們挖掉破的
蓋個樂園勝過原來的
窮的給他一塊沙漠
讓富的捐出一片金箔
咱們什麼書都帶著
提醒過錯
恐懼和陰影非法
快樂永遠發熱
是了，咱們就要太空旅行
此處不再藍色

So we drop an old
And grab that fresh ball.
We cut the real and grow the fake.
We scoop up everything shabby
For building a paradise better than the original.
Give the poor a block of desert.
Let the rich donate a foil of gold.
We bring every book
Reminding us of faults.
Make fear and shadow illegal.
Keep delight forever glow.
Yes, we are bound for space travel
This place is blue no more.

So we drop an old
And grab that fresh ball.

我很少看到這樣的句型, 通常是名詞在前, 省略在後, 省略時通常用the作為article. 這, 純粹是經驗談...畢竟沒好好念過文法...

So we drop an old ball
And grab the fresh.

OR

So we drop the old
And grab the fresh ball.

We cut the real and grow the fake.
We scoop up everything shabby
For building a paradise better than the original.

我會用to build. 當然文法上for building也是正確的... 我說不出為什麼. 純粹憑直覺了.
We cut the real and grow the fake.
We scoop up everything shabby
To build a paradise better than the original.

Give the poor a block of desert.

我是覺得怪怪的.但是這部分可以當作是新詩技巧的使用了吧.所以就不多說了.

Let the rich donate a foil of gold.
We bring every book
Reminding us of faults.

Let the rich donate a foil of gold.
We bring every book to
Remind us of our faults.

Make fear and shadow illegal.
Keep delight forever glow.

Glow是動詞, 該用進行式 glowing.

Make fear and shadow illegal.
Keep delight forever glowing.

Yes, we are bound for space travel

漏了一個標點符號哦.

This place is blue no more.

So we drop an old ball
And grab the fresh.
We cut the real and grow the fake.
We scoop up everything shabby
To build a paradise better than the original.
Give the poor a block of desert.
Let the rich donate a foil of gold.
We bring every book to
Remind us of our faults.
Make fear and shadow illegal.
Keep delight forever glowing.
Yes, we are bound for space travel.
This place is blue no more.


我覺得這是一首很好的作品,是關於社會與生態的詩,開頭與結尾也相當科幻.

我很沒禮貌地改了一下. 我想對新手會太過分,但對資深的行家,應該不為過吧!

感謝讀詩