台灣詩學‧吹鼓吹詩論壇

〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今日發覺我的詩非常危險
他們透漏太多而我十分光火
我殺了他們，一個接一個
把屍體倒進垃圾桶
便去洗洗手
抬頭看鏡子，驚駭
因我全然消失的五官

羅拔你好，這首詩十分有趣的。
純粹說說翻譯：
﹣「PRETTY DANGEROUS」中的「PRETTY」我覺得未再「非常」的狀態，這個你可以再想一想。
﹣「透漏」是不是「透露」之誤筆呢？
﹣「I killed them one by one」句子中沒有標點，我覺得翻譯方面也應該盡力做到沒有標點，改為「我把他們逐一殺死」如何？
﹣「And」這類的連接詞能夠譯就應該譯一下，這會增力詩歌的語感。

羅拔 寫:〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今日發覺我的詩非常危險
他們透漏太多而我十分光火
我殺了他們，一個接一個
把屍體倒進垃圾桶
便去洗洗手
抬頭看鏡子，驚駭
因我全然消失的五官

感謝不清的建議！修改版本如下：


〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今天發現我的詩真危險
他們透露太多而我非常光火
我把他們逐一殺死
再把屍體倒進垃圾桶
然後洗洗手
一望鏡子，目瞪口呆
因我全然消失的五官

另一版本也跟大家分享：

〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今天發現我的詩相當危險
他們透露太多令我十分光火
我把他們一個個殺死
再把屍體倒進垃圾桶
然後洗洗手
一望鏡子，驚呆
因我全然消失的五官

我比較喜歡第一個修訂後的版本
比較接近一種驚愕的狀態

感謝雨懸版主，再看之後我自己也較滿意第一版！
另外在斟酌是否把「目瞪口呆」改為「驚駭」（念起來更短促）會比較好呢？也希望大家不吝給意見！