台灣詩學‧吹鼓吹詩論壇

〈看風〉余學林／余學林翻譯
“Look at the Wind” translated by Lennex Hsueh-Lin Yu

悄悄地瞧天空中的雲朵
梳弄，時間長久的髮絲
撥奏一首綿延不絕的輕快曲調
往神秘的目的地前行，漫布
在徐風拜訪的時日裡

Quietly I glance the clouds in the sky,
How it brushes the long and soft hair of time,
Like a delightful melody, pizzicato, endlessly,
On a journey to a secret destination,
In the days when the gentle breeze visits.

悄悄地瞧天空中的雲朵
在玻璃窗的反射上游移
於接近屋簷之處天空之間
我們流浪
從耳邊出發

Quietly I glance the cloud in the sky,
Floating on the reflection of the window glass,
From the line near where roof and the sky meet,
Let us set off from the ear,
With our sense of hearing.



註：以上是十五歲的余學林寫的，因為他已經不在了，所以大家可以盡量地指導（教訓）它。

首先，這十五嵗的學林好本事咧！我猜是中英譯，對嗎？

既然叫大家盡量指正，那...就不要介意直言哦！

以下為不通順的句子
long and soft hair of time
Like a delightful melody, pizzicato, endlessly
流浪不是“set off”哦

其他
「天空中的雲朵」——“天空中” 多餘：redundant。
「在徐風拜訪的時日裡」——這樣的句子，我很少看到英文用類似方法來寫。
也就是說“In the days when the gentle breeze visits” 會覺得怪怪的，對嗎？

中英對照詩，對照出來的内容必須要match，如果分開來貼就無所謂了。
淺見供參考，小時了了，長大更佳！問好學林喲~

中英譯，是的。

我剛剛打了一通電話回去給十五歲的學林，他說"Like a delightful melody, pizzicato, endlessly" 的確不夠通順，不過他覺得"long and soft hair of time"還好？流浪或許也應該改改。總之，他請我再幫他修修。

「在徐風拜訪的時日裡」——這樣的句子，我很少看到英文用類似方法來寫。
也就是說“In the days when the gentle breeze visits” 會覺得怪怪的，對嗎？

真、真的嗎？誠徵第三方意見！

最後，十五歲的學林說了冷笑話，他說：David must be good = 大衛必佳 = ？

Don't kill the messenger~~

"How it brushes the long and soft hair of time" is actually my fav line,
very smooth ( like hair conditioner has been added!). XD

Though I don't feel like commenting on the Chinese verison,
"在徐風拜訪的時日裡"<-- this line sounds very old school, man! Totally reminds me of 望春風 ah!!!

余學林 寫:最後，十五歲的學林說了冷笑話，他說：David must be good = 大衛必佳 = ？

Hahhahhahaa this is hilarious!

"How it brushes the long and soft hair of time" is actually my fav line,
very smooth ( like hair conditioner has been added!). XD

Yeah, feels very Head & Shoulders.

Though I don't feel like commenting on the Chinese verison,
"在徐風拜訪的時日裡"<-- this line sounds very old school, man! Totally reminds me of 望春風 ah!!!

You are such a Taiwanese. Haha.

Hahhahhahaa this is hilarious!

It is supposed to be a "dry" joke, okay? Don't laugh that much.

Why are you hiding your real identity anyway?