The Murder Ballad(殺戮歌謠)

[羅拔]

〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今日發覺我的詩非常危險
他們透漏太多而我十分光火
我殺了他們，一個接一個
把屍體倒進垃圾桶
便去洗洗手
抬頭看鏡子，驚駭
因我全然消失的五官

[不清]

羅拔你好，這首詩十分有趣的。
純粹說說翻譯：
﹣「PRETTY DANGEROUS」中的「PRETTY」我覺得未再「非常」的狀態，這個你可以再想一想。
﹣「透漏」是不是「透露」之誤筆呢？
﹣「I killed them one by one」句子中沒有標點，我覺得翻譯方面也應該盡力做到沒有標點，改為「我把他們逐一殺死」如何？
﹣「And」這類的連接詞能夠譯就應該譯一下，這會增力詩歌的語感。

〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今日發覺我的詩非常危險
他們透漏太多而我十分光火
我殺了他們，一個接一個
把屍體倒進垃圾桶
便去洗洗手
抬頭看鏡子，驚駭
因我全然消失的五官

[羅拔]

感謝不清的建議！修改版本如下：


〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今天發現我的詩真危險
他們透露太多而我非常光火
我把他們逐一殺死
再把屍體倒進垃圾桶
然後洗洗手
一望鏡子，目瞪口呆
因我全然消失的五官

[羅拔]

另一版本也跟大家分享：

〈殺戮歌謠〉羅拔/羅拔翻譯
"The Murder Ballad" by Rob Chen, translated by Rob Chen

Today I found my poems pretty dangerous
They spoke too much and I was furious
I killed them one by one
And dumped their corpses in a garbage can
After which I went to wash my hands
I took a look in the mirror, stunned
For all my facial features gone

今天發現我的詩相當危險
他們透露太多令我十分光火
我把他們一個個殺死
再把屍體倒進垃圾桶
然後洗洗手
一望鏡子，驚呆
因我全然消失的五官

[沈雨懸]

我比較喜歡第一個修訂後的版本
比較接近一種驚愕的狀態

[羅拔]

感謝雨懸版主，再看之後我自己也較滿意第一版！
另外在斟酌是否把「目瞪口呆」改為「驚駭」（念起來更短促）會比較好呢？也希望大家不吝給意見！